It’s Hard To Be A Kid These Days: Sticks and stones only break my bones.. it’s your words that really hurt me.
The Moral of the Story…
Often times we find that people who bully others are also victims of some form of bullying themselves.
Please know that this is NOT meant to excuse a bully’s behavior, nor is it something to be used as an excuse to be a bully.
Any and all bullying, in whatever form it takes and for whatever reason it occurs.. is NOT ok.
But.. it can help you when you understand some things.. especially if you are the one being bullied.
So, let’s pull-back-the-curtain and take a look at bullying from the inside out.
Starting with.. where does that kind of behavior come from?
Some reasons bullies bully are:
Low self-esteem
Weakness / Vulnerability
Anger / Jealousy
Embarrassment
Humiliation
Shame
Aggression / Dominance
And many more, too numerous to list here.
What this means is that somewhere along the way, someone has hurt.. and probably humiliated.. the person who is bullying you.
And.. no matter how they are acting on the outside.. on the inside, they are most likely feeling one or more of the ways we just talked about.
But.. here is the key that will help you see where you come into the equation and understand what is happening to you.
The bully is trying to get rid of the negative emotions they feel about themselves by shifting those emotions to someone else.. and they are doing this by inflicting them on YOU!
They (erroneously) believe that deflecting attention away from themselves and onto someone else.. will make them feel better.
Mean people are a sad fact of our world today, but their poor behavior is NOT your fault.
However.. your preparedness and your response are your responsibility!
Now, having said that.. please know that we are not going to tell you things like.. suck it up.. toughen up.. stand up to them, or.. it’s nothing, just blow it off.
So… what are we going to tell you?
Well, first things first.
If you feel like you want to enlist the help of someone else, definitely find someone you trust that you can talk to.
If you want to talk to someone, but you feel too shy, you can always say, “I’m asking for a friend.”
This makes it easier, and it does help!
Another thing that can help your conversation go easier is to jot down the main points; what is happening, who is doing it, and how it’s affecting you.
When I am ___________ (in the hallway at school, walking home, in the locker room, at Aunt Linda’s)
__________ name the bully (or don’t)
Does / says this
And I need help making them stop.. can you help me?
Remember to take your notes with you when you go to talk to them.
Having it all written out on paper will help you organize your thoughts and not miss any important details.
Also! If you get nervous or tongue-tied, you can just hand them the piece of paper and say.. I need help with this.
Let your note do the talking for you!
We really do encourage you to talk to someone about what is going on..
Even if you don’t want them to get involved..
It still helps to have someone to talk to.
It gives you an opportunity to vent and it is important to have someone in your corner, giving you moral support.
As we said before.. mean people are a sad fact of our world today, but their poor behavior is NOT your fault.
However.. your preparedness and your response are your responsibility!
And we’re going to help you with that.
You can prepare yourself in various ways, but it starts with changing your perception.
First, we will work on changing your perception of yourself and then we will help you change your perception of the person who is bullying you.
Afterwards, we will share some concrete steps you can use if you choose to take action.
Our first task is to start taking better care of our self.. this is known as
Self-Care
What is self-care?
Well, it’s anything that you do for you!
You are the recipient of the nice thing(s) that you are doing.
Some examples of self-care are:
Meditating
Taking a hot bubble bath
Pampering yourself with special, fragrant lotion
Painting your toenails your favorite color
Splurging on extra soft undergarments or a cashmere scarf
_____ (you fill in the blank!)
Anything that you do specifically for you.. to take a little bit of extra care of yourself and to make yourself feel special in your own eyes.. is self-care.
….and be sure to do it with intent!
For example, while you are shaking up the nail polish, say..
‘I am doing this for ME.. because I deserve _________!’
Our next task takes us around the corner a little bit, but stay with me.. I promise it will be worth it!
Other’s-Care
Well, what in the world is other’s care?
It’s when you intentionally do something nice for someone or something other than yourself.
For example..
Put the dishes away without being asked to.
Smile and say ‘hello’ to someone. Pick someone nice who you are reasonably sure will say hello back to you.. maybe Mrs. Jones who sits on her porch each afternoon.
It makes the recipient feel special that you acknowledged them, and you feel like a kind person for having done that!
But.. what if you’re shy?
Maybe this feels a bit out of your comfort zone.
Well.. I’m going to challenge you to be brave.. for 5 seconds! (literally.. five seconds.)
That’s enough time to smile, wave, and say hello to someone.. and then it’s over.
Challenge complete! You can go back to being shy again.
Or if you just really don’t want to interact that way, it doesn’t have to involve another person.
You can be intentionally, extra nice to your pet.
Whichever form of other’s-care you choose to do.. successful implementation of this task will require you to:
Think about it
Plan it
and Execute it
Here’s how that can play out..
Think about it:
During lunch recess, you are thinking of ways you can be extra nice to your dog.
Plan it: you decide to save a chicken nugget to give him after school.
Execute it (with intent): when you get home, call your dog over, give him the treat, and pet him for a few minutes.
….then enjoy the response.
You did that! You kind person, you!
It’s important to continue your self-care and other’s care projects until they become your routine.
And as you begin to do these things on a regular basis, it will become easier and more natural to you.
As time goes on, try to take notice of the change in the way that you view yourself.
Do you feel a little more confident about seeing yourself as a good person?
A capable person?
A kind and loving person?
Changing your perception of yourself is a critical component in your ability to neutralize a bully’s effect on you.
Now let’s work on your perception of the person who is bullying you.
We’ve already talked about how this person is most likely the recipient of bullying in their own life, and unfortunately, they have chosen to handle it by bullying others.
More specifically.. by bullying you.
It’s going to help us to look at bullying from a couple of different angles.
First, we have..
Hot Potato
Hot Potato is a game where a little bean bag is tossed around, back and forth, and the objective is to not be the one holding the ‘hot potato’ when the music stops.
Bullying is similar to Hot Potato in this way:
The bully receives an insult, and it causes them some sort of negative reaction that they want to get rid of (because it’s painful.. it’s ‘hot’), so they do whatever they can to shift it from themselves onto the easiest target they can find.
When you ‘receive’ the negative comments and criticism from the bully.. by ‘catching their hot potato’.. you allow their words and actions to affect you in a negative way.
The main goal of understanding bullying and changing your perceptions are to help you to..
Stop
Catching
The
Potato!
Imagine for a moment if one of the participants of the game just refused to play.. and the ‘hot potato’ bag just fell..
*splat*
on the ground.
What would that look like?
What would it feel like?
…the word liberating comes to mind for me.
You see, a bully feeds off of your response.. your reaction.
When your response is one of those negative reactions we talked about.. that make you feel bad about yourself.. you are catching their hot potato and now those negative emotions are yours to deal with, too.
However!
If you refuse to ‘play’..
If you refuse to react to their taunts.
Their efforts fall flat on the ground…
*splat*
Like the un-caught hot potato.
So how do you do that?
Do your best to not even acknowledge their presence.. pretend you don’t see them or hear them.
To help you pull this off, you can try a couple of different tactics:
Engross yourself in a conversation with a friend.
Wear ear buds.. play your favorite music and concentrate on where you are going (to your locker.. to class, etc) and what you are going to do when you get there (exchange books, pickup your snack, study for the test).
Pretend you just spotted your friend at the other end of the hall.. wave and walk faster, keeping your attention fixed on the end of the hall.
Our next analogy is..
The Barking Dog
Have you ever seen a dog barking at a stranger walking down the street?
And as long as the person is walking away, the dog continues to bark.. maybe even following after them.
But.. have you ever seen what happens if the person turns around to confront the barking dog?
Now, most of us just want to live our lives in peace; we don’t want any part of confronting our attackers!
But.. just in case you are feeling a little snarky one day, and you decide to use your newly acquired 5-seconds of being brave skills, here are some things you can use..
As soon as the bully says anything to you, you could respond with something like…
“Oh wow, Captain Obvious, and the sky is blue.. any other great revelations you care to share with us today?” roll your eyes and walk away.
Not only did you not catch the potato… you let it boomerang right back to him!
To take this a step further..
(remember.. 5 seconds of being brave!)
The next time you see him, and he looks like he is going to say something whacky to you.. just stop and stand there, looking at him with your head cocked to one side.. and wait.
Look at him like,
…………WHAT?!
No matter what technique you decide to try.. when you stop giving a bully the reaction they are looking for… it’s not fun for them anymore.
Here’s a real-life example: two girls at work.. bully and recipient
One day Recipient walked up to Bully and said… “I know that I ________.”
Bully told us the story later.. exasperated because that “took all the fun out of it” and now she couldn’t make jokes about it anymore; she literally said… “It’s not fun anymore.”
So…. now… what if you’re not up for all of that yet?
That’s ok!
We are going to pull all of this together and help you stand up for yourself without having to ‘stand up’ to the bully.
We have already talked about changing your perception of yourself (incredibly important), and changing your perception of the bully..
Now we want to talk about one more perception.. how you perceive the ratio of ‘power’ between the two of you.
Note: the bully perceived you as an easy target.
There are different ways to help you change the way you perceive yourself.. in relation to them.
There are the tried-and-true techniques that people use to overcome a fear of public speaking.. when they imagine the members of the audience in their underwear.. or sitting on the toilet.
Or you could imagine him… idk.. picking his nose!
You might chuckle, but really it’s just a way of ‘humanizing’ your ‘audience’.
Bullies are only human beings.. they do human things.. just like you.
There is another technique that I hesitated to include, but it really does help, so I’m including it.. with a qualifier!
Give the person who is bullying you a nickname.. something silly, like floofwaffle.
And then change your self-talk.
What used to be.. Oh, no! There’s Chad and he saw me.. he’s going to make fun of _____.
Now when you see him, think.. good grief.. there’s ole floofwaffe, being his usual floofwaffle self. I wonder who crapped in his Wheaties this morning.. it’s going to make him say something whacky to me.. just to make himself ‘feel better’.
Now here’s the qualifier…
I am not advocating that you run around calling people names. That sounds a bit like bullying, eh?
No.. this nickname is only for you to use during your own self-talk as a way to help you feel and think like this…
Why would *I* (large) care a whit what you (small) think, say, or do? …about anything?
Oh that’s right.. I don’t.
Have you noticed that bullies don’t bully people who can stand up to them?
They almost always choose someone who is ‘weaker’ than them..
Either physically.. smaller, shorter, lighter weight, etc
Or socially.. not as many friends, not as popular, etc.
Before you started reading this book, you might have viewed the bully as this kind of big, looming monster.. someone who is stronger (either physically or socially) than you.
And the person bullying you probably perceived you as an easy target.
Helping you shift your perceived balance of power.. where you are ‘larger’ than you were before, and they are ’smaller’ than they were before.. putting you both on even ground.. is the entire crux of this book!
But…. only you can take the actions that will help you feel better about yourself and stronger in your own sense of self.
Remember from our first book.. self-esteem and self-acceptance are your best armor against bullying.
This is so important that it’s included at the end of this book as a refresher for you!
Also, we cannot stress enough how important it is for you to talk to someone about what is happening to you.
Whether you want them to intervene on your behalf or you just need someone you can vent to and give you moral support.
Either way.. please talk to someone!
Doing these things puts you off to a great start, but what are some other things that you can do?
Start by actively researching the subject of bullying so you understand what is truly happening on a larger scale and not just your individual interactions with this person.
Check with your school guidance counselor to see if there are any programs in place at your school to address and eradicate bullying.
If there is, consider joining.
If not, ask how you can start one.
There are many resources you can go to online that address the topic of bullying.
Some great examples are:
PacerKidsAgainstBullying. Org
Stop Bullying . gov
Stomp Out Bullying . org
MeganMeierFoundation . org
And there is a stop-bullying-now HOTLINE: 800-273-8255
Whichever avenue(s) you choose to take, just know this..
Your feelings are valid.
It’s ok to not be ok.
Take this one step at a time.
You are not alone.. we are sending you positive thoughts and energy.
Please reach out to someone.
And.. turn this negative into a positive! Let your ……… struggle……. be a catalyst for greater things.. when you come out on the other side of this, which you will!, please use your experience (what you learned, what you did that worked, and what didn’t) to help others!
You’ve got this! We believe in you.. now you start to believe in you, too!